Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I am so weak right now. I have heard many of you say that by saying I am weak means I am strong, but I feel far from strong. I am many things, but strong.....I feel the very opposite. I know what I must do. I know that I must engulf myself in prayer. I must surround myself with HIS teaching. I cannot do this all alone. HE is the one who rescues me. I need HIS rescue.
I need to feel peace. I am so consumed by all of this. I am so worried about Lilah.........
Backus today. They will evaluate her. Tell me how delayed she is. Push her and work her hard.
I welcome the challenge, but am also so fearful of it. The patching. Will it work? Can it work with no vision, maybe light perception in the right eye? Am I doing it right? Am I doing it enough? What happens if I fail her at this? Will her lack of vision be my fault? Is it my fault? The exam in four weeks. As much as I am anxious to know what they will find in her eyes. I, on the flip side, am scared to death to know what they will find in her eyes! I want to know. I need to know. But, I am so scared. I am so scared....I could just scream! WHY? Why Lilah? Why, why ,why does SHE have to go through all of this? What did she do to deserve this? All the doctors in the world can tell me that this is a fluke, a random occurrence that happens in the eyes, that I did nothing wrong, that I had amazing prenatal care. BUT...I STILL feel at fault. I just do NOT get it.
THIS is where my faith kicks in. I am SO weak. I am SO fearful. I do not know...but HE does.
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior
I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of him to be my savior
That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior
My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, my God he is
My God he's always gonna be
Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my savior
That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior
My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, My God he is
My God he's always gonna be
The lyrics above are Aaron Shust's My Savior My God. I highly recommend you click HERE to hear the lyrics. You will not be disappointed!
I am smart enough to know what I need to do when I get down like this. I lean on my faith. I ask for prayers. I go to friends for prayer. I fall to my knees at the feet of Jesus. Today...I will be on my knees all day.(obviously with four kids that cannot be taken too literal.) I will be praying all day. I will pray without ceasing. Can you pray for me and Lilah too?
5 comments:
Katie, I see that your heart is just breaking. I feel for you. You are so close to my thoughts and prayers!
In life, there's all sorts of grief and stages through it. Just keep moving through each step Katie and you'll make it. I am so glad you are so close to our Lord. He provides the way.
I listened to that same song a lot when I was pregnant with Cayman and after she was born. I came to the realization, I might not ever understand what He has willed or planned, so I asked God to help me be content with all the unknowns. My thoughts were then directed to anything I could find to praise my Lord about! I praised Him for Cayman's 10 fingers and 10 toes, I praised Him for all the parts of her that came out without needing a doctor, but my absolute favorite became in praising God for Cayman as a whole.
I came to understand that so many women miscarry fetuses that are not forming correctly, and mother nature boots them out. Cayman made it through in spite of all the many things misforming in her body. It was overwhelming to take in her anomalies in the beginning. They consumed her body-stomach, heart, brain, eyes, thumbs, ribs, kidney. The list felt never ending.
But my focus turned from only being able to see what went wrong, to feeling the beautiful miracle that she lived, even inside of me. I did not miscarry her. For someone reason my baby made it through.
My grief was turned to praise! I think there is healing to our grief when we just start to praise Him, even if our heart isn't quite in it yet. Our heart eventually catches up.
Katie I think of you all every day as I read my favorite blogs. Yes you, Lilah and your entire family are on the prayer list. God bless you all. That is the same way I felt when 2 of our daughters were DX with Bipolar Disorder. What did I do wrong? Was it my fault, was it from our family. His or mine. It doesn't matter. Jesus took all the blame away, rejoice in the presence of Lilah as Kristen suggested.
QMM
I felt this same way on a daily basis when Maddy was Lilah's age. It does get easier, but a little bit of that is still always there. Lilah is destined for great things as is Maddy. Call me again soon and we can talk more. Maybe one night after the kids are in bed so we won't have interruptions. :) Stay the course!
After reading what Kristen said, I cannot find any more words. Her thoughts are mine too (though I doubt that I could state it as eloquently as she did)
I would never try to say, "I understand; I know how you feel." But my heart does go out to you in this time of trial. There is not a clear answer to the "Why?" question concerning some of the things the Lord takes us through. At such times we can only trust His infinite wisdom and love.
The hymn you quote is a reminder that there are many things in life we don't understand. But we do have the certainties of His Word to cling to. Through faith in our Saviour's death and resurrection, we have life eternal. That we know!
Just one point of historical interest: We can't credit the hymn, "I Am Not Skilled to Understand" to Aaron Shust. It was written by Dora Greenwell, who was born 188 years ago today. (Only the refrain, "My Saviour loves, my Saviour lives..." is Shust's work.)
Dora Greenwell had a very hard life, and wrote from that perspective. If you'd like to see her picture and read her story, I invite you to check out my daily blog on hymn history, Wordwise Hymns. God bless.
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