I have said recently that I want to be normal. I want to be able to walk into the grocery store without being stopped 8 times with questions about Lilah. I want to enjoy a visit to a play area without people staring, then asking, then sitting back down an looking over at me with that "oh poor girl" look. I want to take my family away from the pain of what people say and do. So, I got to thinking.... What exactly is Normal?
Is normal being free from any abnormalities or diseases? Is normal being thin verses heavy? Is normal being tall verses short? Is normal being happy verses sad? Is normal being sighted verses low vision? Our idea of normal, in this world, is not the normal God had planned.
There are so many imperfections in this world. So many times we see "normal" people in magazines changing how they were made. Changing their outward appearance to fit the mold we have created in this society.
I have begun, in this process of grieving, to understand more and more what Lilah will face as she gets older. As a Mommy, I want better for my kids. I want them to be smarter, faster, happier, etc. than I was. I want them to feel more loved, more appreciated, more...accepted than I was. I think back to my childhood. I think back to how I was ridiculed for being the biggest and less attractive of the three. I can remember times when I didn't understand why I wasn't as pretty as my sisters. I remember, vividly, thinking..."If I could look like them, people would like me more." I am grieving for Lilah because she will have to overcome more than I ever did. But, thankfully she is much more beautiful than I could've ever dreamed to be.
There is pain in this process. Pain in finding out truths about yourself and your child. Sometimes the pain will diminish, sometimes it will never go away. I pray daily for wisdom, courage, and strength. When people tell me I am strong, I brush it off because they really don't know how badly I am dying inside. I have not figured out how to be strong for Lilah. I have not figured out how to be strong for the other three. I have not figured out how to be strong for my marriage. I have not figured out how to be strong...for me.
When I tell people I am doing my best. I am! I am surviving one day at a time. Some days....one minute at a time. As new as this is to those around me, know how "new" this is for me. I am doing the best I can. I am still learning. I am by no means perfect. I am by no means...normal.
4 comments:
Katie... love you girl. and I love your precious Lilah.
I don't think I can give any good advice. I have never walked a mile in your shoes. I do know that you are going to have to harden yourself even more because Lilah will face these things in one way or another in her life. But, by your example, you can teach her and your other children, that she is the way God made her for a very special reason. Only He may know that reason and maybe only He ever will. But, we know that He does not ever make a mistake.
Prepare yourself with facts of Lilah's disease. Prepare yourself with a 30 second testimony about Lilah's healing that the doctors can't believe. We know that the healing that has already taken place in Lilah is God working. The next time someone asks you a rude question about Lilah's eyes use it as a chance to share your faith. Who knows... maybe that is God's purpose for her!
And, about Lilah's weight... I know that all mama's of babies with rolls get that. And, I know that I have been guilty... but, trust me, when a baby is at the opposite end of the spectrum people ask you if you are starving your baby! I was told on more than one occasion that I should stop nursing Livi because I obviously was not making enough milk for her (she was a 5th percentile baby in weight).
You have more internal strength than you give yourself credit for. I've known you plenty long enough to know that you've faced adversity in the past, dealt with it the best way you know how, and come out better for it. Lilah is a beautiful, extra special gift from God who will touch more in her lifetime than I or most people ever will. She's doing amazingly well considering, and I think she's AMAZING. I also think you are amazing :) Just keep doing what you are doing - take it one moment, one day at a time. That's all you CAN do. And remember, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. XOXO
YOu should write a book. Been there believe me! I am not normal either... Big thighs, double D's, short, mama of visually impaired child, who has all of those same traits too, what I wouldn't do to give her my eyes to give her EVERYTHING...to give her the world. The next time someone asks about Lilah say two words I use often.... "BITE ME!" :)
2 things:
1. I've come to realize that after 32 years of life "normal" is just a cycle on the washing machine ;-)
I think Jesus would agree too. I mean, "normal" involved God speaking through a burning bush and a cloud. "Normal" meant that tons of animals fit on a boat big enough to withstand 40 days/nights of living on it w/ very few people. "Normal" was 3 guys in a furnace that never even had their clothes singed. No, we have no idea of "normal." Our finite minds can't even begin to understand "normal." So...here's what Jesus has taught me. People will talk b/c it's what we do, but in their seemingly ignorance, He's taught me to use it for His glory. When I ask the Holy Spirit about you, I get a picture of you w/ a megaphone and I hear, "She is the catalyst for change. I've only just begun." Jesus is using and continues to use you to change people's thinking. He will use you to talk about your own change...the change that has happened in you b/c of Him and then also the change that has happened in you b/c of your gift of this little miracle. He's going to use you to talk w/ transparency and humility w/o fear of what others are thinking. The Holy Spirit will speak to them through you. I'm realizing more and more that my history of legalism and judgment is now being used to soften hearts since that's often what I tell people. I tell them about that and they see who I am today is not that person anymore. They see the exchange of legalism for grace. They see Jesus. It's amazing how He loves on others through our words. It's who you are, babe. You're probably (in many situations) going to be the only "Jesus" they ever meet.
2. I love your heart, Katie. When people compliment us in various situations, I've learned that the Lord uses that to point them to Him. We respond, "It's just Jesus." You are such a beautiful example of faith and people see Him in you. I'm reminded in Scripture that when people were healed, Jesus so often said, "It's because of your belief." People see your BELIEF and it's so inspiring!!! It's JESUS! You continue to RECEIVE His love and then, your cup "runneth over" w/ His grace, love, and mercy as it pours out onto others. It's a beautiful thing!
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