Mourning

Last night at church, the East Campus Pastor, Brian Jobe, was doing a sermon on the Paradoxes of the Bible. He mentioned this verse several times. As I listened to him speak I was overcome with emotion. I was overcome by the fact that God was speaking through Brian to get to me.

Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I have been mourning. I have been sad. I have asked, "Why?" more times than I can count.

What have I been mourning?

When I was pregnant with Lilah, not knowing whether or not she would be a boy or a girl. Waiting for the day of delivery to find out what God had given us. I prayed, NON STOP, for this baby to be healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, 1 heart, 1 brain, 2 kidneys, and be abnormality free. I asked God many times if He knew what He was doing by giving us this surprise pregnancy; this surprise baby. I remember the many comments and questions about why a fourth, why another one, why when Eli was still a baby himself, and how are you guys going to be able to afford it. I remember knowing, really knowing, that God had given us this baby for a purpose greater than I could ever explain. I remember feeling the peace of God when those questions would arise. I knew that this baby would have to help change the world. I knew that this baby was given to me for a reason. That reason I would find out later on.

On the day Lilah was born, and later diagnosed with Peters, I was so surprised. I just knew I was having a boy. Nope, God had other plans. When Lilah was born, the nurses and Dr. Jackson didn't say, "Its a Girl" ( I had dreamed of hearing the "Its a ..." for so long) They said, "There she is." "What"...I thought. I looked down and expected to see boy parts. I expected to see a big boy. Especially since I was SO big. What I saw was a tiny little girl. Helpless, barely crying, and she was skinny. I didn't get what I thought I was going to get.

Am I mourning the loss of a baby boy that I didn't get? NO

I am mourning the loss of the "perfect" baby I thought I was going to have. I am mourning the loss of the thought; the vision in my head. I am mourning the loss of Lilah's vision. I am mourning for Lilah. I am mourning for the times when she will come home and cry because someone has made fun of her...again. I am mourning now because I know that I must be strong for her. I am allowed this period of mourning. I am still adjusting. I am still learning to adapt, cope, and live life as it was given, not as I planned. I am still learning the language of Holland.

Last night, as Brian spoke, I wept. I sobbed. As I held Lilah in my arms I cried uncontrollably. I made a promise to God and to Lilah that I would try to do better. I made a promise to the Lord that I would do my very best each day to trust in HIS plans. I would do my very best not to try to control everything. I would do my best to allow HIM to shape me and mold me as HE has planned.

I am by no means perfect. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to have bad days. I am going to wonder and question. What I can do and will do is be comforted by the love of the Lord. As the verse above states....I will be comforted because God loves me and Lilah...infinitely more.


When Aaron became a Christian (click here for that story) my Mom gave him this poem that was on her wall for many years. I have read it many times, but today it seems SO appropriate.

I revised my play list because I wanted you all to know where my strength comes from. Many people have emailed me and said, "You are so strong." What you all don't know is that sometimes I am dying inside.

The song is RESCUE. "I need YOU Jesus, to come to my rescue....where else can I go?" I cannot go anywhere else. God loves me. God loves Lilah. Exactly how we are!