Joy in the midst of pain

I love... I mean I really LOVE the song..Revelation...by Third Day. (#3 on my playlist)

I have been singing this song over and over.

Here are the Lyrics:

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
‘Cause I’ve been trying to find my way
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without you
I’ve got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I’m always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won’t you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Our small group is doing a study on Philippians. Last night I had a revelation.

I read these verses throughout the week and the Lord revealed many painful things to me...

Philippians 1:12 Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel

and

Philippians 1:14 Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly

and

Philippians 1:27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ

OK...I got it. As painful as these revelations have been that is what a revelation from the Lord is about...revealing something and learning from it.

First, verse 12...WOW!

If Lilah would not have been born with her vision impairment, I would have never had the courage to start this blog about my faith, the word of God, and what it has done to help Lilah, me, and change me. (A girl I have known since high school asked me the other day when God grabbed my heart. I have always believed in God...as long as I can recall. I am ashamed of myself for not sharing my faith more openly before. I cannot imagine my life without my faith!)

Second, verse 14

Again....I am speaking, through this blog and to all those I encounter, about my faith much more courageously and fearlessly. Who cares if people think I am a Jesus freak. I am!! I can prove to you that HE exists and does miraculous things...Aaron's salvation, my sister Laurie's life, Lilah's left eye!

and lastly and MOST painfully, verse 27

I have NOT been conducting myself worthy of the gospel. I have kicked, screamed, bawled, yelled, hysterically sobbed, and other not so attractive things about what I have been given. I have not seen the good in my predicament. I have not seen, really understood and accepted the Lord's plan in all of this. I have asked, "Why Lilah?" more times than I should really admit. I have heard so many complain about their lives and thought "You did that to yourself...Lilah did not...she is pure and innocent." What I have failed to grasp, really fully understand in Lilah's short six months of life is that God really doesn't make mistakes. Who cares that Dr. D told us her eyes weren't made right. Not to God. HE made her eyes...perfect. Lilah will see what the Lord wants her to see..NOT what I want her to see.... and THAT is the painful part. I want Lilah to have it all. I do not want her to be different, made fun of, hurt, ridiculed,etc. What I have failed my precious baby, and the other three, on is having JOY during this trial. I have failed to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this will all be OK. I have said those things. I have prayed for those things...but I have wept...uncontrollably for my baby who is different. I do not understand the Lord's plan for her and I won't...not until I finally make it home.

Why am I living for this life? Why am I struggling so hard and not finding true peace, God's true peace in all of this?

I am begging the Lord to give me HIS joy. HIS peace. HIS strength.

I am NOTHING without HIM.

I will have days when I will fail. I will make mistakes. I will have days when I will question. I will have days when I will not get it. I will have moments of sorrow.

BUT

I am determined to give God the glory and live for HIM. I am determined to try harder each day to be the wife, mother, friend, and daughter of Christ that HE has planned. I am determined to allow HIM to mold me.

I am a sloppy piece of clay and HE is molding me into a work of art.I have been placed in the kiln many times. I have been through the fire and have come out much more like pottery each time. I am by no means done yet, because the Lord is not finished with me. HE just took me out of the kiln and I am still cooling off. I know I will go back in, even though I will hate it when I do...maybe, just maybe I will learn to appreciate the kiln because I know I will be a shinier piece of art when I come out again.