Saturday night at church when we were taking communion, and I was talking with God, I got very emotional and really just laid it all down for Him to take. I was so brutally honest with God. I told Him how weak and sad I was that Lilah wasn't talking to me. I just wept in pain. I cried and cried and asked Him why. I told Him how mad and angry I have been with Him. I was so honest. I just poured my heart and my soul to Him. I sat with my head in my lap, wailing in pain. I cried so hard.
I couldn't control it. It was as if I knew I was safe in His arms, in His house, and I could tell Him how HURT I am.
I told Him how I just didn't understand why He has allowed SO much to happen to me in the last 4.5 years. Why He has allowed me to endure such pain and heartache and then He gave me Lilah. I told Him I just didn't understand what I had done to have such constant trials. (I joke with a friend that I sometimes feel like Job)
I laid it all down at His feet. I pleaded and pleaded with Him to hear me. I begged Him to allow me to hear her voice, to talk to her, and her to talk to me. I shared with Him my most deepest desires and wants. I asked Him to take the pain and hurt...and allow me to experience His grace, mercy, and peace. I also asked Him to help me to trust Him because many times I struggle with why He allows such things.
Then last night while we were at my Mom's house, I asked Lilah if she wanted a banana. Lately, she has begun saying, "na na" but last night she said it..."Ba Na Na."
God spoke through Lilah. He answered me. He heard my cries, and even if to some it was the most simple, small, little sound, to me.....it was huge. It was an answer. Not the answer I want and hope for, but it is not on my time, nor on my schedule. I must remember that. The way that the Lord has been working in our family...would NEVER have been on my plan....for those that know me personally and know the pain I have experienced...you know I would NEVER have dreamed or desired it, but God has used each and every painful moment and experience and He has used it for His good.
And this is why I beg Him to help me to trust Him.
And here is a video from this morning of her new sounds...
He is answering me....on His time, but He is listening and He IS answering me
2 comments:
I had it on my heart today to go to your blog. I have been asking the same thing lately of God, and I've really been struggling to trust Him. I have had SO MANY tearful conversations with Him lately, asking "Why Claire?" and (selfishly) "Why me?" and I have found myself doubting that He is even listening. Your post reminded me that He is.
We know He is listening even when we think He does not hear. I have prayed so many times for you and Lilah and for your family. Wondered if He is listening myself...and then I see and hear and know that He is in the prayer answering business. Let's keep the faith Kates, He will not forget His children. Bzzzzzzzzzz
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