On Facebook you only have a limited amount of space to make your "status." so all of my thoughts...or the most I could wrap my head around couldn't all go in that tiny 420 items spot.
I. Love. My. Child.
Understand this. I am more grateful than anyone could ever realize. I thank God for Lilah...every moment of everyday. Yes, I really do.... with a sincere heart.
But, there are moments that there is pain I cannot figure out why it is there.
Most of the people who responded were people who are in Holland, have been, and can offer some truth. Others who commented on my status obviously love and care for us...and I need and appreciate that, but they have never experienced these emotions for themselves. They do not know what it is like to be in my shoes, in my head, in my emotions.
Let me explain what happened....
Yesterday Aaron found some of my videos of the kids. I watched and giggled and we just had a blast. One was of Alex at 2. It was 6 seconds long and she was telling me that she "farted" and I said calmly, " tooted" and Sahel said, " no, I farted." we all giggled and giggled at her honesty, frankness, and how matter of fact she was.
And then a wave of pain hit me....Lilah is 2.5, doesn't walk like that, and she cannot communicate with me..... I was sad. And then at the same time very angry with myself for feeling this way.
Having spent 6 years in Italy, with 3 amazing children who kept me on my toes and said the darndest things....landing in Holland and spending so much time in therapies trying to help your precious child learn and grow.....uggggggggggg.
I. Want. Lilah. To. Talk. To. Me.
I want to hear her voice, have her ask me things, I want to hear her thoughts and feelings. I want to know what makes her happy, sad, mad, frustrated. I want to laugh at her jokes. I want to have conversations with her. I know that we may have this and we may not. I know that we are having our own conversations in our way right now... but, I still want these things.
I want to see her walk, dance, run, jump, hop. I know, some of you are reading telling me to shut up. But, here it is. Here are the dreams I had for my child. That you had for yours. I had those for all of my children. I got to experience some amazing moments with all of my children.
But, sometimes I feel like landing in Italy first is almost a curse because I am ill-prepared for this journey.
I am a stay at home Mom. I love my job. My job means I place the people in my home above and beyond myself. I place their wants, desires, and needs above mine. I am at their call. I spend most of my day in the kitchen, laundry room, cleaning, and then I spend my time in therapies with Lilah, school functions for the older three, driving, going, never stopping. I get up before my family to run...to run and talk to God and give it to Him. To spend 30 minutes with the Lord, placing it all in His hands.
hmmm, have I really? Why do I keep taking it back? Why do I ask Him to help me trust Him, but then I want to hold it and control it? Why do I feel like this? Am I human? Am I too tired? Am I sad for reasons that I shouldn't be? Am I lonely? In need of friends to understand this pain with me?
I love that people want and try to help me with their sweet words. Sometimes, there are no words. Sometimes this pain, this hurt, these emotions are SO real and no "phrase" makes it better. Try as we all do to make someone feel better with words...that is not what is needed. A hug, without words, to listen, to TRY to feel the pain, to be in it with me, to allow me to feel my feelings. For 2.5 years since Lilah's birth, and surprise diagnosis, there have been so many words...but less and less listening and hugs. No one has really allowed me to feel my emotions. Its been a "she's a gift, you have 3 older children, pull yourself together, you can do this, you are so strong. etc" I have seen more and more people pull away from me in the last year. Why? Am I so hard to love? I don't get invited to things. What this Mom needs is a true friend who will not judge her emotions, who will not tell her HOW to feel, will not think she is crazy for having great moments and really crappy ones, I need a consistent friend who will not leave me when times get tough, I need someone to not look at me like "thank God its not me" and when can I go home because she is too much to handle.
Sometimes there are no words for the emotions, for the pain, for the real feelings. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it. I want to place it here on this blog, where I know I will not be interrupted, lay it on the line, get it out, and TRY to feel better.
Sometimes that is all I need...blog it, cry my eyes out as I type...which I am doing right now, and pray. Sometimes I need to see a face, feel a hug, be allowed to cry without words being said to "make" me feel better. Sometimes...it just hurts and I need to feel it.
Everyone around me is in Italy...and I have 3/4 of me that is.... and that is a hard. Very, very hard. Trying to balance it all, make sure that they are all getting what they need, how they need it, when they need it, etc.
So, I understand why no one gets me. I understand why no one really wants to be around me a lot.
So, I pray and I ask Jesus to comfort me...and sometimes He does right away....and other times He allows me to feel the pain for much longer than I want to feel it...and here is where I am right now. So, without much of a spell check, without much proof reading, I am laying this out there and now, I will get dressed to run, and pray that God shows up and I can hear Him this morning and He will comfort me.
2 comments:
You say what I feel and you're so much better at it than I am and you're willing to do that and you have people who love & care about you. I want the same thing, to just cry about it sometimes. When Joshua was born we were in Italy for almost a year, until we realized he was delayed and then we "moved" to Holland or at least I did. How I wish we could go back to Italy but I do my best to embrace Holland those I have met via Holland. Not exactly sure where I'm going with this but as always I understand how you feel.
He is talking to you Kates, sometimes we are all so busy, and so wrapped in ourselves that we do not listen. Easy phrases to write, harder to believe. Believe me, Kates, I go through it daily. No one can comprehend your fears and pain, except Him. Next time you run...listen to your footfalls, see if you don't hear more than just yours, or is that the sound of the wind, or wings. He hears you, Babe. I know that I hear you, too, and wish, oh how I ish this wasn't Holland. bzzzzzzzzzz
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