"I don't know how you do it."

I hear that phrase often. I am not sure why, but in my two short years as a Mom to a Special Needs child, I have had a LOT happen to me. The last two years have come with more lessons than I was prepared for.

At the beginning of Lilah's diagnosis, friends and family came out of everywhere trying to "help, pray, support, love." Most had never been near someone with a special needs child. Most didn't know what to say. Most tried as hard as they could to help, but no one really got it. As Lilah has grown, the number of calls, emails, visitors, etc have slowed down to an almost screeching halt. At times this journey has actually cost me friends. People I really thought cared about me. People I thought loved me, wanted me around, and would stick by me through anything. Some couldn't handle that the "new Katie" didn't sit back and get hurt, she was fighting for herself, and her daughter, and stopped allowing people to walk all over me. Some people got tired of "Lilah's story" and needed more "normal" friends with less "drama." a friend of mine who's husband is in the military and deployed often said, "it's kind of like people during a deployment. Many come out at the beginning to offer food, prayers, and babysitting, but as the months turn into over a year, people stop helping. They have had enough. They forget that your pain never went away. You are still in the predicament, even if they walk away to ignore it." (this is not a sad post, keep reading)


The people that stopped being my friends, walked away, didn't know what to say, couldn't handle "it" or me(the loud-mouthed Mama) had to be removed from my life. It sucked. It hurt. I mean it rocked me to the core where I cried day and night, BUT....I was relying on them to fill a void in me that ONLY Christ can fill.

I had to be completely broken, left alone in the bottom of the pit to see that I needed to rely on God for it all, for ONLY He is the constant. People are imperfect, messed up, say and do the wrong things, but only God can heal wounds or holes in our hearts.

God took people from me that I couldn't let go of. He took painful relationships from me because I allowed these "friends" to hurt me and I never said and did anything. I was the doormat. I allowed them to treat me like I had no worth. Having Lilah, having to work and push and fight for Lilah, allowed me to see more than just my worth, it allowed me to know my importance to God and my family. I am not bitter or angry with these people. I pray for them daily. I know that they need a deeper relationship with Christ so they can love others fully, so they can see people through His eyes.

During this time, I also began to try things I never would have before. I began running. I ran my first 5K last April. I ran my first 10K in November. I have been training, since June, for a Half Marathon. On Sunday, Feb. 27th I will be running the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I have had people ask me , "Why are you running?" or in a laughing tone, "You're still doing that?" YES!!!

I don't just run for me, for release of stress, time to pray,better health....I run for Lilah. Go back and watch my testimony from a few posts back. Look closely at the time when she cries and you can see those tears flowing down her cheek from fear and pain. I run because being a Mom of a Special Needs child requires me to get out of the bleachers, stop being a spectator, and fight. When I run and my legs are heavy, I see Lilah's face. I see how hard she works. I know that if my girl can fight to learn to walk, talk, and do "normal" skills...then I can get out and run and push harder each time. I run for my girl. I run because she motivates me to try harder, do something I have never done before. I cannot ask her and coach her to push and work hard if I don't require it of myself.

The Lord has taught me so much through Lilah. He has given me strength to do things I never would have before. He has taken things(and people)from me that I couldn't let go of. The lord has guided me to focus on the important things, and leave all the small stuff out. He reminds me, daily, to give it all to Him. He will sort it out. I must lay it at His feet,walk away, and allow Him to heal wounds that no one else can.

I do it "all" because He gives me strength. I am not superwoman. I am not super Mom. I am just a weak, imperfect human trying to do better each day.

Grateful for the lessons I have learned, and for those painful ones I have yet to learn. I am allowing Him to mold me, because fighting against Him is so much more lonely and painful than growing close to Him.
Thank you, God, for lessons only you can teach.