Remembering...

I will never forget the thoughts, feelings, emotions, heartache, joy, and questions that came after Lilah was diagnosed at 18 hours old.

I remember hurting like I have NEVER hurt before.

I remember crying more tears and weeping with wails that I thought were meant for people who were grieving. What I didn't understand was...that I was. I was grieving the loss of a "dream" child. You know...we ALL do it. We all pray for 10 fingers, 1 heart, 1 brain, 2 kidneys, 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 toes... healthy child. RARELY, if ever, do we become pregnant and say, "OK Lord, here I am. I trust YOU with this being you allowed to be created inside of me. I trust that you will give me whatever child YOU have planned." I wish I had THAT faith two years ago....
See, I didn't. I didn't trust HIM fully. I still wanted MY way. I am human. I wanted the perfect fourth baby to heal the wounds that were scarred in my soul forever from my past. I wanted this baby to "fix" all that was wrong and still healing in my marriage. I wanted this baby to be a new beginning for our family. To help restore peace, calm, happiness...and so much more.

When Lilah was born and they handed her to me...I knew. I knew immediately. I knew that her eyes were different. I knew. But, the nurses said"No, she's fine." God gives us instinct. God gives us those moments when HE is present with us to feel and hear the Holy Spirit. I knew, my gut, my GOD, I knew. But, I didn't trust. I wanted to know what it was. Would it get better, go away, be filled with quick healing and something simple.

Nope. It wasn't easy. It wasn't quick. It wasn't free of pain. This journey with Lilah has been one of the MOST painful journeys ever. But...I am stronger now.

I look back at that time and see how God was answering ALL of my prayers. ALL of them. He wasn't answering them as I wanted them answered. He was answering me as they NEEDED to be answered.

My child. My heart. My sweet ANGEL...Lilah. She has changed us so much. My home is different. My family is different. My voice is different. The way I view people is different.

The Lord gave Lilah to me to change me from the inside out. I needed to be humbled. I needed to be changed. I needed to have my marriage and family restored.

What I didn't understand when I heard Lilah's diagnosis was that the Lord had a plan. He knew that by giving me this child. SHE would change me, my perceptions, my heart, my love, my passions, my compassion, my advocacy, my work ethic, my joy, my sorrows, my pain, my healing, my soul.

I wasn't trusting HIM. Go back and read this blog from the beginning. See the pain in my heart. See the weary soul who yearned for her daughter to be healed. Who asked God time and time and time again, "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY HER?????" I was MAD. I was hurt. I was angry with God. I didn't understand. I thought ,"WHAT have I done for YOU, almighty, to allow her to be born like this?" I remember wailing MANY times, "Lord, PLEASE heal her. FIX this. Make her better. Make her not have to work so hard, be so different. God, PLEASE( I was pleading at this point on my knees) PLEASE take this from her. NOT her. Give it to me!!!!"

I didn't see, or feel, HIS hand...holding mine all along. I didn't see HIS face in Lilah. I didn't understand that while I was cradling her in my arms screaming out of pain and sorrow for my child, HE was there. He was already there....rescuing me.

HE sent her to heal me. He sent her to heal my marriage. He sent her to heal my family. HE sent her to heal the wounds and lies I had believed since I was 7 years old. He sent her to heal others. He sent her so MANY others could see HIS face. HE sent her so we could see and feel HIS presence.


Why o why am I SO human and could not have seen HIM in all of it all along???


Because I needed to go through the valley. I needed to feel the pain. Experience all of it in every fashion so that I could understand HIS love.

I always thought HIS love was for everyone else BUT me. I always thought I was too bad and had thought and done too much wrong that I didn't deserve HIS love.


Want to know the TRUTH? HE sent her to me because He DOES love me!!!! YES, HE does. He trusted Lilah to me because HE wanted me to feel HIS touch through her fingers and feel HIS arms in her hugs, see HIS face in her smile. I have been holding a slice of heaven all along and I missed so much by not trusting.


HE is with me on this journey. He is right here.

Today, I see HIS face. Today I trust HIM fully. Even when I don't get it. I am human and get sad, BUT...I trust HIM....and I love HIM.


I love HIM even more because HE chose me. He chose me to tell the truth and feel the pain and experience it ALL so I would share with you HIS love. He is real . His love is real. He has come to SAVE you. Will you trust HIM and let Him in?

I did...and I will NEVER be the same again!

Thank you, Lord, for Lilah Hope!!!!