WHY her? why HER?

I remember the grief I was faced with when Lilah was diagnosed. I will NEVER forget that moment...I didn't understand. I remember praying and asking, and begging, and getting SO mad at God..."WHY HER?"

The first five months of her life I was SO alone. I didn't know where to turn, who to ask for advice, what to do. I was OVERWHELMED. No one could make me feel better. NO ONE could take the hurt, pain, anger, questions, sadness, etc. away. My questions, comments, thoughts and prayers went on and on and always back to that SAME question..."WHY her?"

MONTHS later, hundreds of thousands of tears later, time, prayers, GROWTH...and NOW... I see a TOTALLY different perspective.

Last month I went on a spiritual retreat. My first EVER. The absolute BEST thing I have ever done.

You see...I thought so many messed up things about Lilah's birth. I didn't understand..no, NOT FULLY, the depth of God's love for me....for ALL of us.

See, I blamed myself for Lilah's diagnosis. I blamed myself as if I caused or created or "did" this to her. "Did I eat the wrong thing, drink the wrong drink, should have done this or that differently, etc" See, THAT was wrong thinking. I had believed these lies forever. That everything was MY fault. I believed the LIES that others told me. People who were(suppose to be)closest to me. People I was suppose to trust.

When I went on the walk to Emmaus I was faced with some of my toughest fears. People from my past were there. People from my present, and people who confirmed what I already knew in my heart, but had been lied to for 18 years. I had to face those fears to see the FACE of GOD.

I had to lay ALL of my burdens at the cross. Give it ALL to the Lord and know that HE died on the cross to set me free.

I am FREE!

I learned on my Walk to Emmaus that it doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks of me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of Lilah. What matters is what God thinks of us!

Lilah was given to me. Lilah was trusted to me. Lilah was placed in my care for me to help change things for her, and for others. I have been VERY determined to change the way that special needs children in my area, and all over this country, are being helped.

I have been fighting SO hard to get Lilah the services she needs and deserves. I use to be afraid to ask for things. Until I realized...if I don't FIGHT for Lilah, WHO WILL? So, I have become VERY assertive. I have become very LOUD for Lilah. I am sure that some people don't like me. You know what? WHO CARES!!

This squeaky wheel has gotten a LOT of grease for Lilah...and for my older three!

I know that what I am doing is pleasing the Lord. He has given me this blessing of Lilah and I am honoring HIM with ALL that I do for her...for ALL of my kids.

****a little back story****

September 4th was our Anniversary. 18 years together, 11 years married. Yes, we are high school sweethearts!

This September 4th, Aaron got down on one knee and re-proposed to me, complete with a new ring he had been saving TWO years for. He asked me to renew our vows and he did this in front of our children. He wanted our kids to see that he is a changed man and is committed to me and our family. (picture of the ring will have to wait....and here is why....)

Today as I was getting my ring sized I looked over at the other couple in the store. There stood a man with his arm around a confident woman explaining to the salesperson what she wanted...holding a white cane.

I was overcome with emotions. I stared at them. NOT a bad stare. An in AWE stare.

I saw Lilah. I saw her in that woman. I saw my baby in the future, being LOVED, being cared for, getting a ring, saying what she wanted, and NOT caring what anyone thought of her.

I noticed the couple leaving and stopped them. I could barely control myself as I told her that she exuded confidence and I was in awe of her....for my daughter.

The woman was very polite and told me that she doesn't always use the cane the right way, but she tries.

And THAT folks...is JUST it.....we try. We all try. We all fight.

And we should NEVER give up. EVER.

Don't take NO for an answer. HOLD fast to your faith. Stay strong in the Lord.

Don't let people's opinions of you stop you from doing what glorifies the Lord.

"Why Lilah?"

I will tell you WHY....

She will change the world. She will make people see the FACE of God. She will bring more to HIS glory. SHE will LEAD others to know their true calling.....she has with me.

I cannot begin to thank God enough for her. Lilah has given me the confidence to do SO much. She has taught me that I can fight. I can keep pushing and I can do it.

THANK GOD for LILAH!