Can Lilah see anything? Can she see shapes, colors, blurry, hazy....anything? She hasn't smiled at me yet. Is it because she cannot see?She hasn't cooed yet. If she hears me, then why doesn't she smile at me? Is it because she doesn't see me smiling at her? Is there something we are missing? Is there something that we have not been told?
Not knowing whether Lilah will ever see. Not knowing if Lilah can see me now at all. Not knowing whether she will develop normally. Not knowing if there are more problems than just her eyes. Not knowing if she will live a normal life. Not knowing if she will be made fun of for her abnormalities.
As a mother, I want so much to protect her, and the other three. I want to protect her from pain. I want her to have a fantastically normal life. I want her to be happy. I want her to see. Oh God, I want her to see. I want her to run! I want her to dance. I want her to see the floor as her feet move across it. I want her to be all she wants to be. I want this for all of my children. I want this for Lilah because she started her life with more challenges than the others.
I want to be a good mother. I want to be a great mother. I want to be a great mother for ALL of my children. I don't want Alex, Sammie, and Eli to feel that I love Lilah more because she needs more. I don't want my children to look back at their life and feel that their Mommy didn't support them fully. Having four kids is challenging and trying enough. Having a newborn is challenging, especially having older children. Having a newborn with special needs is much more demanding. I feel like I am not giving my kids the best of me. I feel like I am giving them pieces. Are they getting the best pieces? Are they getting what they need from me? Do they feel pushed aside? Are they happy? Do they know that they are loved beyond their knowledge? Do they know that I would give anything and everything for them? Do they ALL know that they are loved equally no matter the time I spend with one or the other?
The stress has become gigantic. The stress of having to be so strong. I have had to be strong for my kids, for Lilah, for Aaron, for my Mom. I feel like I am not allowed to be scared out of my mind. But, I am. I am scared. I am human. I am doing the best I can and I still don't feel like it is enough. I am tired. I am tired of the stress of the uncertainty. I feel like I am so alone in all of this. I have to be strong for everyone else, and I am crying and screaming on the inside. Who is there for me? Who is being strong for me? Who is being strong for the Mommy who tries so hard to do it all, but I can't.
Oh dear merciful Lord, please let my daughter see!!!!!!!!!!
3 comments:
Katie,
You ARE NOT alone. You have family that are and will be there for you whenever you need them...just let them know you need them and they will be there right away.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family!
With love, Lisa and Brian Wegener
Katie,
I posted Lilah's blog on my facebook page.
She is such a beautiful little girl.
You are being the best mom that you can be...remember, you are human and can only do so much.
All of your children know you love them with all of your heart and soul.
Love, Lisa
All of your thoughts and feelings seem very normal, esp with what you are going through. Your a great mom. I can't imagine how your heart feels right now. I do know that there is one person that will never leave you, even when the people here on earth might not be all you need at the time. Know I am praying for you and your little girl. So many people are. I am so sorry your having to go through this. Love you girl! Kristan F.
Post a Comment