Facing Fears

My brain has been reeling with so much activity lately. The realization that Lilah goes back to see Greenberg on Wednesday makes my heart palpitate and my palms sweaty. Why?
Yes, I know I am her Mama. I know that all I want is what we ALL want for our children... To live happy. But I come with such mixed emotions. I have been doing everything I can in my power...to prevent Lilah from having any eye surgeries. I DO believe in modern medicine and what amazing things can happen, but I also believe that mistakes can happen and with the eyes....that may be irreversible. After much research, and talking to patients, some wish they had neverhadtheir eye surgeries... Or the number they did.
Then I get to the..." Katie, why is this your top concern?" like I am telling myself, "hello, Lilah has bigger issues at hand right now then just her visison."
Then I remind myself of how far she has come, all the amazing things she is doing(watch the videos from the 2 previous posts), how WITH her patch on she can eat, navigate her walker, find objects on the ground when she is crawling, and more.

I do not like this anxiety and fear. I don't like it at all.

I am praying. I have learned to be brutally honest with God. I mean, why not? He already knows. He just wants me to surrender it all to Him so I can allow Him to take control.

And there it is..."control."

I pray so many times...a day...for God to help me to trust Him. I need Him. I cannot do any of this alone. I need His help. I need His love. I need His guidance. I desire His wisdom. I try so hard to find Him each moment of each day. I try to breathe out this worlds lies and breathe in His truth.

But, I am human. I am Lilah's Mama...and I want to fix it...and I can't.

And that makes me scared....a lot.

I don't have a magic pill, or pump, or shot that makes Lilah "normal." I can't pinpoint her diagnoses and give her like insulin does a diabetic patient to help her see, walk, talk,etc.

Somedays I would do ANYTHING to have something like that. To stop the stares and the questions and the comments. And then I remember that if I were to remove Lilah's disability then she would be...different. I love her JUST as she is. Do I desire from the depths of my soul for her to not have to fight as hard...YES. But I also have grown to see that God has placed this amazing gift in my presence for me to fight tooth and nail for her....and learn my own worth in the process.

I am asking for prayers of peace, trust, and wisdom. I am also asking for continued prayers for Likah's eyes...straight, clear eyes. I amassing for continued progress in her gross motor, fine motor, and her speech.

My hope is that someday I can lead Lilah on a tether and she can run with me. I imagine this on my runs when my legs hurt and I want to stop. I think of her and see her tears falling down her face due to FEAR of the unknown and I push and I push myself. That amazing little girl gives me more motivation, more strength, and more fight.


Watching her TRY makes me tell my legs to not stop. Watchig her TRY to form her lips so she can communicate with me makes me attempt things I never would have.

But then, I get to my "finish line" and weep...I want her to do these things with me. So, my prayer and petition to the Lord is that He will someday grant me that.


This year we are doing something new. At the request of my children, I am homeschooling this year. This comes with a massive amount of "can I do this?" but with God on my side and fight in my heart... I will do it.. One day at a time. I will make mistakes. I will learn as I go, but I will never know if this is what I am meant to do, and what God has planned for me, if I don't at least try it.

Last night I tried something I haven't done in years...years. I mean, I do it daily, but haven't done it in a group since....high school. I have had it on my heart for years to go back to singing in the choir, but was so full of fear. Will I mess up? Will I sing like crap? Will I hit a wrong note? Will they like me? Then I stopped myself... Or truth, God did...and with the encouragement from Aaron, I realized I LOVE music. I love to sing. I feel His presence the MOST through song...so I went. And I loved it...and yes, as many of you know, I cried during 2 of the songs...and here I go again...facing fears. I will never sing like those angels on this stage, but at least I am worshipping God how I feel connected the most.

And that is just it...facing those fears...one step, one song, one note, one race, one pound at a time...
With God we can all do it...and that is why Hesent Lilah to me....

So I could see it, feeing, do it, live it...and learn to give it all to Him

Surrender.