I am afraid that Friday, when we go to Atlanta, we will be told Lilah has hit a plateau. I am afraid that Lilah will need the surgery. I am afraid that if she needs the surgery that it will not take. I am afraid that she will reject the transplant. I am afraid that she will not be able to see. I am afraid that Lilah will need multiple surgeries. I am afraid that I will not be able to handle all of this. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to handle all of what has been given to me.
I am mad at myself for feeling this way.
I am mad that I am weak right now. I am mad that I do not know how to ask for help. I am sad that I can't do it all. I am sad that I am overwhelmed. I am frustrated that I feel like I cannot ask for help.....emotional or physical. (My friends have always been there for me. My friends listen and understand me. My friends don't expect me to be perfect. My friends accept my weaknesses. My friends accept my sad days. My friends understand the drama of being a Mama. My friends understand if I haven't gotten the thank you notes out. My friends don't expect a phone call. My friends don't get mad at every little thing I do or don't do. My friends allow me to be human. For my friends (and RARE family members) who allow my imperfections....I AM SO GRATEFUL!)
****No, I do not expect people to take care of my children and/or my home for me. No, I do not expect someone/anyone to do my job as a Mother, but...as you Mommies know we need a moment for ourselves. I have asked for help and I have been told "NO" many times from the same people who frequently offer, "just call me, I will be glad to help." I am not a person who likes to ask for help. If I do ask for help, it takes me so much courage and humility to ask. I don't ask for help often. I usually decline help for the fear of not being able to -and need to- be "Super Mommy." But, there are times that I do need and ask, but I am learning that I cannot ask even the people who offer because they don't mean it, they just say it.****
So, my fear is wrapped up in huge bag. Am I good enough of a mother to be the kind of mother Lilah needs? Am I wise enough? Am I strong enough? Am I prepared for ALL of this? What about the other 3? Am I failing them because I am so, very, very emotionally (and sometimes physically) overwhelmed? I did not ask for the cards I have been dealt. I know that ONLY God knows how hard all of this is. Boy do I wish someone could wrap their arms around me and REALLY listen...not fix it, not interrupt, not solve it, not tell me "how it hurts them", not always change the topic to how bad they have it, BUT just listen to me. Unless you are inside my head, in my body, in my life...you do NOT get it. Even as hard as you may try...no one will EVER get it. THIS is why I pray. This is why I have my faith. The Lord listens. God hears and understands. God doesn't judge me.
No one could possibly begin to imagine what I am going through. No one could possibly be in my exact position. We are all made so different. But...let me try to fill you in on how my life goes...today. Let me fill you in on the craziness, stress, and unknowns of my world.....
4 kids...(5 pregnancies...in 7 yrs)4 planned....1 lost....1 gift- Confused? I have been pregnant 5 times in 7 years. 4 of those were planned. We lost 1 baby in between our oldest 2. Lilah, was our surprise, unexplained....GIFT from the Lord.
So, I have 4 kids...6, 4, almost 2, and 4months.
- About 3 loads of laundry...each day. Yep, most times we live out of laundry baskets.
- I run the dishwasher at least once a day....sometimes twice.
- I nurse Lilah almost every 2 hours....She might not see well, but my girl LOVES to eat(like her Mama) No, she doesn't sleep through the night, most of the night, or even a 4 hour stretch. Yes, I am beyond tired!
- (I have a good 25-30lbs more to get off of me...right now, not the top of the priority list, but adds to the stress and sad/madness)
- I rush around all day doing errands,taking kids to and from places, and attempting to fill it all in.
- My home is not as clean as I would LOVE it to be. My home is not as organized as I would LOVE it to be. My home doesn't stay as organized and clean as I would really, really LOVE it to stay.
- I am surrounded by friends and family who have "perfect" babies. Their babies are alert, bright eyed, always smiling, beaming....and Lilah is not.
- I serve at church in the infant room with "perfect" babies who aren't as "delayed" as Lilah. I am constantly reminded of how different my baby is.
- Only a handful of people call, email, or talk to me. Most avoid me. Guess they don't know what to say. I guess they are afraid of me and Lilah. But for a talker...OK, lets get real....an over-communicator....ignoring me is more torture than you know!!
Please know: I am so, very, very grateful for ALL of my children. (Even the 11.5 weeks of being pregnant with our angel in Heaven) I would not trade ANY of them for the world. I just get sad sometimes at watching everyone else in "Italy" while Lilah is stuck in "Holland." And yes, I am VERY aware that I have been blessed with 3 other "perfect" children, BUT that doesn't change, negate, or take away from Lilah and her obstacles she will face for the rest of HER life. I cry for her!
I pray and pray and pray and PRAY! Poor God is probably tired of hearing from me!
But above all of this.....is my fear for LILAH:
- Will Lilah see?
- Will Lilah see me?
- Will Lilah walk and talk?
- Will Lilah dance?
- Will Lilah fall in love?
- Will someone love Lilah...EXACTLY like she is?
- Will Lilah love herself?
- Will Lilah know she is different and be disappointed that she can't do what "they" do?
- Will Lilah read, write, sing, do it all?
- Will Lilah love as God made her to love?
Will Lilah teach me more about this life and the next? SHE ALREADY HAS!!!
So, if you see me and you wonder what it might be like....wonder no more. If you cannot begin to understand why I might, on occasion, be a little frazzled, stressed, sad, not say the right thing, be short tempered, not laugh enough, cry too much,etc. PLEASE...place yourself in my world for one minute. Please know I am doing the very best I can, and do not need any judgement. I am surviving everyday. I am trying to be the best wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister,etc. that I can. And...if I don't want to talk about Lilah's eyes...please, please don't ask me to.
No, this was by no means a "b" session. This is a very small sample of what goes on in my head and world everyday. Please don't feel sorry for me. Please don't feel sorry for Lilah. Just please try to understand.... She and I...We are doing the very best we can.
But, there is one thing you CAN do.....Keep praying and NEVER give up HOPE!
3 comments:
I need to apologize... I was wrapped up in my pity-party this morning and thought of stopping to help you, but then just thought that I needed to get inside... it has been on my heart since this morning.
I am so sorry you are feeling all these things. But, don't feel guilty for feeling any of them. For so many of us when someone else has something happen we are all about supporting them at first and then we get caught up in our normal everyday lives and forget that their life has changed FOREVER. This often happens in military families. People always want to help when they first deploy, but the deployment goes on for a year!
I know that we do not know each other that well and I don't want to seem like the creepy girl that became your friend after Lilah was born, but Lilah is really how I found out who you were... through the prayer request email.
I think you are amazing. God gave you Lilah because you are the best mom for her. And, that is the same reason he gave you all your kids.
Have you thought that maybe is not the time for your ministry to be in Kid's Town... this may be a time when you allow others to minister to you. There are so many other places that you can serve the Lord. Think about that and pray about it.
I am serious when I say that I will help you however you need. You can drop your kiddos off here for a playdate and just go to the grocery store by yourself. I was once a teacher and was able to handle 30 six year olds all alone... I think I could do it!
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
Phillipians 4:13
This verse may seem simple and elementary to some... but for me right now, it is where I am gaining my strength. I will be praying it for you also. He knew what he was doing when he gifted you Lilah. Trust in that.
K~
You're a great mom, you always have been. Just remember that although right now you are focused on one "not perfect" baby (in other people's minds), you have had three "perfect babies" already – far more than some couples ever get. It's sometimes harder to focus on the positives when you are overwhelmed by the negatives, but these feelings, too, shall pass.
On another note, I'd like to share with you my story of family matters and feelings that come along with them. Not to argue, but just to share and give a different perspective that might help put your thoughts at ease, since I am sometimes like that other family member that you refer to in your family. Maybe it will help you realize that it's not that people don't want to help YOU, it's just that sometimes people themselves get overwhelmed with expectations. And although you might need help right now, they might be dealing with other feelings that they need to resolve before they get there.
I have a sibling that chose to live her life with her at the center – as we all should to an extent. And, although we are all so grateful to have another human being in our lives – me - a niece, and my parents - a grandchild – it was very trying and exhausting in my mind to always be expected to "understand". I always had thoughts like – I didn't get myself into this (remember, her situation and yours are different, but it seems my feelings might give you a different perspective on how to see your family's thoughts?), so why should I be expected to understand it and accept it.
To their credit, my parents were far more selfless than I was, but at the same time, they had also understood what it meant to be a parent, and this was their daughter, a far different relationship than that of a sibling.
So, I guess all I'm saying is, although I can imagine it frustrating that you don't feel support from your family exactly when you need it, try to be patient with them, as getting mad at them won't help them understand. But, having no expectations of them and just being grateful for what they feel like than CAN do to help (no matter how small), might help.
Just a few thoughts! Hope it helps a little.
Julie
Katie,
I am sorry that I am a few days late on reading this.
How I wished that I lived closer so that I could offer love and support to your family. Our daughters could be friends :)
However, I will just be thankful for the blessing of the internet, and that we have the opportunity to know eachother and relate to eachother and inspire eachother from a far.
I can tell that you are a dedicated and brave mother. And I know these things simply from the feelings that you have shared in this post. What a wonderful mother you are to care enough to let yourself fear and question and pray and seek help.
God bless,
Lisa
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