pain...

Lilah had her adenoids out and her second set of ear tubes last week. I have been watching her in SUCH pain. No longer do they give pain meds or antibiotics for these surgeries. JUST Tylenol and Motrin.
Well, she was OK for day one and 2. Day 3....HORRIBLE! now...well, I am piggybacking the Tylenol and Motrin so she feels no pain.

The main problem here is that Lilah is low toned and the extra fluid has no where to go, so..it is now in her lungs. I am doing treatments and keeping her active to help her expel the extra fluids. Then on top of that the pollen count here is um, well...lets just say that we call it southern snow here! My white car in yellow and well, so is my black grill cover. You get the idea.
So, I haven't been writing for this reason....AND....
I am attacking some major issues on the SSI, medicaid side too. Yep, after all the fighting I did to get her these services, NOW, they are going BYE, BYE...soon.
uggg...the battle NEVER stops!
On top of all of this I am going through some growth "pain" myself. Spiritual growth that is...
I am doing a WONDERFUL study with some AMAZING women called Captivating.

Painful? you are asking. How? Well, because I have had to identify my wounds...MANY of them. Where they started and how. Age 7, for me. Abandonment, Pain, Ignored, Constantly interrupted, Left, The "fat" sister, not good enough, too LOUD, too much, "you never know what Katie will say", ugly, gross, he chose her over you, he chose another family over ours, they chose other "friends" over you because you are NOT good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc, etc, the one who was not "planned" but instead was "just a good summer", why won't someone "SEE" me, what do I have to do to be LOVED?

See, all of these wounds, lies, things...may have been "funny" to say, accidents, "the best they could do" but hurt me deeply. Some things "just happened", were allowed to happen, were mistakes, etc...but these wounds, lies, mistakes, accidents, etc. caused me deep pain that began at such a young age. I look at my oldest, now 8, and I pray "Lord, please help me to NEVER let her (or the others)feel those things." I am NOT mad at those people or events, BUT I am allowed to grieve them without someONE telling me I deserved it, to hush, "they did their best, Katie", we all make mistakes, etc. I am allowed to wrap my head around the fact that I HAVE some major hurts here. If I don't feel them, expose them, acknowledge them, call them what they are...then how will I EVER know what is the TRUTH? See, I have been told ALL of my life to "HUSH!" Rarely did anyone ever REALLY listen to me without trying to squash me, my feelings, my heart, my soul, my wants, etc. I have been told I am selfish more times than I care to admit. By people that are suppose to LOVE me. My view and thought of LOVE was very messed up.

Before you think, "wow, you are spilling the "beans" here" or "calling people out" hold your breath. I am exposing "me." ust ME...and MY pain. I believe in being VERY transparent. I believe in being honest about where I have messed up and where I have been hurt. So, I can help others who NOW, I know, share VERY similar pain. I am NOT alone here. There are other people out there who have been hurt and we should expose the LIES to find the truth.

I have experienced PAIN in many ways. These painful moments have left me with many scars. I am learning in my Captivating Study to allow the Lord into these places so He can heal me.

Some of these places I am afraid to go to within myself. I have buried them SO deeply, for so long, so I can just "try harder" and cover them up. That kind of thinking is getting me NO where.

See, one of the biggest LIES I have believed in the last 2 years, that I have allowed Satan to tell me, was that I "did this to Lilah." I have done SO much wrong, am SUCH a disappointment, have hurt people, was inferior to others somehow, that Lilah's disability was my "fault." Not a blessing, but a curse for some "thing" I did. WHY did I believe this lie? Why did I think that there was something wrong with me that made something "wrong" with her? Why did I allow Satan to tell me that lie? WHY did I believe it? Why did I think that there was something "wrong" with her? Why did I miss the miracle and the gift for the lies? Because THAT is what Satan does. He came to destroy our JOY. John 10:10 " The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come so that they might have life and live it more abundantly."

As I am going through this study and reading the book Captivating, I am experiencing pain, but I am also ready for Jesus to enter into those most private places and heal them. I have asked HIM many times to come to those places, even to go farther than I know, and allow me to see HIS truth and be able to distinguish HIS truth from the many lies I was told.

Pain is not fun, but through this pain I pray I will find healing. Just as Lilah is not having fun healing from surgery, but I know that the truth is, she will be healthier in the end.

And in truth, freedom comes.