As Lilah and I navigate the streets of Holland.....
I have come to many realizations about Lilah...and about myself. I have realized that I am different. I have learned what I cherish most, what I need, and what I want to surround myself and my family with. I have discovered that most people living in Italy have no time or desire for Lilah...or me....and that is OK.
I still love those people. I don't want anyone to love Lilah out of pity. I want people to see her like I do. She is amazing.
I would also like people to give me a chance. Sometimes as a Mother of 4...I am busy. OK...let's be really honest here..I am always busy. But...just like all of us I want to be understood and...
even though I am managing 4 kids and navigating my way in this new world..I still desire to be accepted just like everyone.
This has really gotten me thinking about acceptance.
Don't we all want that?
I remember trying to fit in, be accepted in school, functions, etc. I never seemed to measure up to the standard that was being set. I know as I look at Lilah and see how "different" she is...how she will face even more of these challenges and adversities.
I hope that as she grows I will be able to surround her with people who are loving, caring, giving, and accepting of her...just as she is.
I think that lately the reason I have felt so lonely, so lost, so isolated is because I am becoming aware of how those people I once really thought were my friends...never really cared at all. Having a child with a disability shows you who people really are on the inside. I think my circle of "friends" has dwindled down...and this has really been a hard time for me.
I have always considered myself a people person...now there aren't many people there.
I don't want this to be a "aww, poor Katie" moment...trust me...I do that enough for myself.
I must say that this path is a very lonely one. Life happens, people change, but during those times you also find something out about yourself.
As people have pulled away because they cannot handle it...me...all of it...I have had more doors open...and people I would have never thought cared...are there. The people I use to talk to each and everyday...barely, if ever, call. But, that is OK. I have learned in these weak moments that I can be strong...I have to be. I am fighting each day for Lilah. I am fighting to get her therapies, services, and I am fighting to get her to where she needs to be.
I will never wear the right clothes, drive the right kind of car, make the right amount of money, impress people by my material possessions...but I will always have a heart that loves and desires to be loved in return.
I pray that as Lilah, and my older three, grow... I will be able to instill in them a confidence in Christ so they will never feel alone. I pray that I will be able to guide them to love, nurture, accept , and respect all kinds of people.
3 comments:
I know just how you feel but I hope we both find people along our paths. Is there an organization in your area for family support of children with special needs? Might be something to look into. Where I live it's called Family Connections.
I too know exactly how you feel. We've always had friends, enterained alot, went out...then after Sam....NOTHING! My old workplace didn't even give me a shower....ME who had given countless showers, bday parties..etc... All at once our life changed, our $$$ changed, we moved, we were constantly in Miami or in some hospital up here...no one hardly visited... ^ & 1/2 yrs later I'd like to say it's changed, but it hasn't not really. It can be lonely but I've grown so much closer to my husband and the kids. I don't depend on anyone else for support. It's nice if it comes sporatically but I don't expect it....It's crazy, if you told me ppl would have responded like this, I'd never believe you...almost if they or their familes could "catch" a disablitly or have something bad happen to them by being with us....It's a werid place to be in. I've not hooked up with any local familes, I think here it's just too hard, everyone spread out and honestly, I deal with so much, I don't want ot have to listen to someone's problems...I have to be strong for me/us so I don't have an overwhelming desire to be around other ppl who are going thorough similar situations. Now if there was a Peter's family... anyway hang in there, at least you've got the kids and your husband :)
Katie... I somehow missed this post when you posted it. It makes me so sad...I ONLY know you as Lilah's mommy. We may have met in passing a time or two before you had her, but honestly the first time we sat and talked was after Lilah was born and I held her while you ate at mops... You and Lilah are both amazing, beautiful and strong people...anyone who chooses not to be a part of your life us missing out.
That being said...we don't see each other enough...let's play sometime next week...plus I owe you $$ for the amazing pictures in my house!
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